I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When my kids began approaching the “Big 1-3” milestone, I was utterly petrified. Oh sure, I was calm externally, but my mind was absolutely racing. I attempted to assuage these fears by hammering home ethical values and praying for daily grace, but were we adequately prepared for the uncertain road ahead? And of course, my own memories of growing up in the 80s began surfacing. How even “back in the day” my friends and I found ingenious ways to outsmart grown-ups. Or at least, so we thought.
But this new generation is truly different…securing access to things we could scarcely dream. How could a couple “Boomer” parents cope? For the record we are both solidly Gen X, but not in the eyes of our kids. Herein lies the crux of the problem. Long gone are the elementary school days when we were the coolest superhero parents in the world. The days of riding home after school and receiving those sometimes, nerve-racking emotional downloads. You know, when you found out far more than bargained for about melted crayons, gummies in hair, and mean-girl looks at the lunch table. Oh, how we wished to return those stirring conversations of yesteryear. But in transitioning to raising teenagers, we now must be content receiving intermittent thirty second life updates, and the obligatory side-hug. Ugh!!
There had to be a skillful way to stay connected with these maturing adolescents. But how? Well, through trial and error, here are three things we have come up with to remain culturally relevant, and at the same time parental.
- Embrace your teenager’s passions. Learn to love what they love. At a minimum, invest a little time gaining a better understanding of their areas of interest. Of course, not every passing fad will be your cup of tea, but your diligent efforts will not be overlooked, even if your kids don’t specifically acknowledge it. I’m a terrible TikTok artist/collaborator, but that doesn’t stop me from participating. And by participating, I mean really getting involved and going all-in!! Do I look silly at times, and show my age? Most certainly, but who cares? First, I’m not easily embarrassed around others, but more importantly, I’m truly interested in connecting with my kids. So why not allow them to laugh at their quirky dad trying to be “heem.” What you find is that going all-in for their pursuits, will often lead to natural, organic conversation. And neatly tucked away in those impromptu interactions, will be a nugget of parental gold. But that valuable currency can only be accessed when true connection occurs.
- Speak with honesty and sincerity. Our actions speak far louder than words. While we can frequently bloviate about the righteousness of our cause, or the equanimity of our judgment, only actions reveal the truth of our character. Therefore, when you are wrong, don’t be afraid to admit it in front of your teenagers. Apologizing to your kids with sincerity over a judgment error, or a rash comment made in anger, can represent the turning point in your relationship. This admission should not be seen as weakness, but shows you are human and at times fallible. Remember establishing and cultivating double standards can be a sure-fire way to lose the attention and respect of your teenager. Even if the situation was not intentional, and merely an honest mistake, they have no way of knowing the motives of your heart. They can only assess what has been outwardly conveyed. But you need not take my word for it. For, we find confirmation of this truth in 1 Samuel 16:7, as YAHWEH Himself reveals man sees only the outward appearance of a person, but the Lord is the one who discerns the heart. Hence, we can verbalize guidance to our children at nauseum, but our actions will be etched into their minds, so always speak to them with a level of frankness and heightened humility.
- Have fun together. If anyone truly knows me, they recognize I try not to take myself too seriously. Life is so amazing, and our time here too short, to constantly be worried about how another individual perceives you. My rule is to leave others with a positive understanding of my faith, while embracing the joys of life. Therefore, take time to have fun with your kids. Whether hiking, playing games, cooking, or just simply enjoying a song or movie together. Spend time doing whatever brings laughter and peace. And while you’re at it, try not to maintain such a serious tone with them. If your conversations are always formal and mundane, there is little opportunity for your teenager to share the glorious “tea” of their day. The funny sound bite that happened in Spanish, or even that ridiculously awkward moment in the cafeteria…it’s all important!! Those intriguing stories may not mean much to you in the moment, but the joyous freedom of the conversation will allow your teenager’s personality to shine through. This is a critical aspect of family relationship building. Your child’s desire to be heard, as well as ability to share in laughter, will have a lasting effect. Barriers to communication can slowly be disarmed and dismantled, and masks of protection can be lowered, when you are enjoying conversations filled with open laughter and joy.
While I cannot guarantee these suggestions will obliterate all locked communication doors with your teenager, they have indeed provided a positive working framework for our family. In fact, I’m sure when our kids have opportunity to read this blog, they’ll rake me over the coals saying I’m not that clever or funny. That it’s not always easy to share things with me. But that’s ok too! Because they will still be actively communicating with me. And ultimately, part of this lifelong parenting quest is to keep them talking…improving upon the ways in which we communicate with each other.